Finally.

Have you ever been blinded by your emotions? I think we all have at some point or another. We refuse to see the faults of our parents or friends because we love them and you want them to be perfect so badly that you ignore their short-commings. I have been blinded for a long time, the person who I thought I loved has been fucking with my head for so many years that I thought it was normal behaviour. All I ever did was make excuses for him and all he ever did was blame his wrong doings on me. It is time that I acknowledge these things and learn not to settle with people who don't treat me properly. For years and years I dedicated everything to him, my time my heart, I lost so many friends because all I ever wanted to do was be with him, all he ever did was insult me and put me down. When he left me for another girl the first time, it hurt more than anything. That should have been the end of everything, but no, he played with my emotions and persisted on sleeping with me with false promises of restarting our relationship then running back to the same girl. Because I was naive and he was such a good liar this went on for months. This same exact story played out with so many different girls. Him always running to me, but me never being enough to keep him satisfied. I used to feel like it was my fault that I wasn't enough that I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough. I know now this isn't the case. These past few months have been the worst. He came back to me a few months ago claiming to want to try things longterm and that he acknowledged his faults and that he wanted to give me his all. I tried very hard but I needed time to get comfortable with him before i could give him all my trust. Instead of giving me the time i needed he cheated on me multiple times with the same girl and gave her the impression that they were going to date. After finding this out I took him back again because he seemed so full of regret and promise. He then proceeded to leave me for another girl again because i apparently could not give him the attention he deserved. I was so upset and I was having some very personal issues as well so I turned to him again to find some comfort. He invited me to him house ( while he had a girlfriend), and as i cried he kissed my face, my neck and cuddled with me telling me that I need to "fix my stuff". He became sexually aroused as I cried and I told him I wanted him back and he said that he did not want to ruin his relationship with the new girl because he hurts people too much. I was livid, be nice to a girl you hardly know but be such a douche-bag to the person he had hurt the most. I thought that him seeing me that night and "comforting me" with words of hope for us in the future was him being genuinely nice. In reality he was just trying to keep me around incase this relationship fails. I don't want to be that girl anymore, I know i deserve so much more. Someone who cares about my feelings and won't leave me for "something better" every 10 days. He is a very sick person who takes pleasure in controlling me. It hurts a lot because I have spent the last four years of my life thinking that this is the way a relationship is supposed to be. He was the best at lying and deceiving, and because of that I have my guard up with every single person. I think that everyone is out to get me and hurt me and no one has genuine intentions with me. I will never settle for that again. He blamed his cheating and leaving on me, that is was my fault because i was not emotionally available enough for him. All the feelings I ever had were for him only, I just needed time to get over his wrong-doings. He should have been working on his attitudes not playing the victim. He is best at that, making people feel sorry for him. All he is is a loser that can't be alone because he is too insecure with himself. I used to be so upset because he was able to have a girlfriend at all times and I could not find anyone new that suited me. I then realized this wasn't because there is something wrong with me and that he is so special, it was because i have standards. He needs someone to make him feel worthy, I know exactly who I am I just got lost in him for a while. It does hurt when I see him with her, but I know that I am better than him and I don't deserve to feel like crap. If my only mistake was being too forgiving, I can live with that. I wouldn't be able to live with being an asshole to someone who very much loved me. He made me feel like everything was my fault but I am not blinded anymore. Of course I still love him, love does not disappear overnight, but I don't hold him on a pedestal anymore. In fact I feel sorry for him, sorry that he lost out on someone that would have done anything for him.