Untitled.

When is the day that you stop being a child? That you spread your wings and stop depending on your family. Is it the day you move out, or the day that you realize your parents are useless? Some parents are there forever support you, know all the details of your life and strive for the same dreams as you. Some leave you on the back burner as they move forward with their own lives. As a young teenager my mother moved away to live with her now husband leaving me with my father who lives with a woman who hates me. My mother is very aware of this yet only cares about her happiness with her husband. My father allows the woman he lives with to call me horrible names and treat me like a second class citizen and does nothing. She says nasty things to me and blames all her issues on me ever since I was little. My dad is never home and always makes me apologize to her. Im in school still and can't afford to pay tuition and housing so I'm stuck. Mark my words i will never forgive him for staying with someone who can be so mean to his own flesh and blood, and I will never forgive my mother for leaving me when i needed her the most. I hate when either of them even attempt to parent me anymore because it is clear that I was never what they cared about most.

Finally.

Have you ever been blinded by your emotions? I think we all have at some point or another. We refuse to see the faults of our parents or friends because we love them and you want them to be perfect so badly that you ignore their short-commings. I have been blinded for a long time, the person who I thought I loved has been fucking with my head for so many years that I thought it was normal behaviour. All I ever did was make excuses for him and all he ever did was blame his wrong doings on me. It is time that I acknowledge these things and learn not to settle with people who don't treat me properly. For years and years I dedicated everything to him, my time my heart, I lost so many friends because all I ever wanted to do was be with him, all he ever did was insult me and put me down. When he left me for another girl the first time, it hurt more than anything. That should have been the end of everything, but no, he played with my emotions and persisted on sleeping with me with false promises of restarting our relationship then running back to the same girl. Because I was naive and he was such a good liar this went on for months. This same exact story played out with so many different girls. Him always running to me, but me never being enough to keep him satisfied. I used to feel like it was my fault that I wasn't enough that I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough. I know now this isn't the case. These past few months have been the worst. He came back to me a few months ago claiming to want to try things longterm and that he acknowledged his faults and that he wanted to give me his all. I tried very hard but I needed time to get comfortable with him before i could give him all my trust. Instead of giving me the time i needed he cheated on me multiple times with the same girl and gave her the impression that they were going to date. After finding this out I took him back again because he seemed so full of regret and promise. He then proceeded to leave me for another girl again because i apparently could not give him the attention he deserved. I was so upset and I was having some very personal issues as well so I turned to him again to find some comfort. He invited me to him house ( while he had a girlfriend), and as i cried he kissed my face, my neck and cuddled with me telling me that I need to "fix my stuff". He became sexually aroused as I cried and I told him I wanted him back and he said that he did not want to ruin his relationship with the new girl because he hurts people too much. I was livid, be nice to a girl you hardly know but be such a douche-bag to the person he had hurt the most. I thought that him seeing me that night and "comforting me" with words of hope for us in the future was him being genuinely nice. In reality he was just trying to keep me around incase this relationship fails. I don't want to be that girl anymore, I know i deserve so much more. Someone who cares about my feelings and won't leave me for "something better" every 10 days. He is a very sick person who takes pleasure in controlling me. It hurts a lot because I have spent the last four years of my life thinking that this is the way a relationship is supposed to be. He was the best at lying and deceiving, and because of that I have my guard up with every single person. I think that everyone is out to get me and hurt me and no one has genuine intentions with me. I will never settle for that again. He blamed his cheating and leaving on me, that is was my fault because i was not emotionally available enough for him. All the feelings I ever had were for him only, I just needed time to get over his wrong-doings. He should have been working on his attitudes not playing the victim. He is best at that, making people feel sorry for him. All he is is a loser that can't be alone because he is too insecure with himself. I used to be so upset because he was able to have a girlfriend at all times and I could not find anyone new that suited me. I then realized this wasn't because there is something wrong with me and that he is so special, it was because i have standards. He needs someone to make him feel worthy, I know exactly who I am I just got lost in him for a while. It does hurt when I see him with her, but I know that I am better than him and I don't deserve to feel like crap. If my only mistake was being too forgiving, I can live with that. I wouldn't be able to live with being an asshole to someone who very much loved me. He made me feel like everything was my fault but I am not blinded anymore. Of course I still love him, love does not disappear overnight, but I don't hold him on a pedestal anymore. In fact I feel sorry for him, sorry that he lost out on someone that would have done anything for him.

Still Confused

After what I have recently posted I realized that I live too much in regret, especially when it comes to relationships. I regret trying and forgiving when I should stand strong. I regret not trying harder when I could have. I can't change what I did and didn't do I can only better myself. Whether I better myself for the person I am hoping for or for someone I have not even met yet, at least I know what I need to work on.
Today I messaged him asking him if he was being honest about us trying again in the future, and he gave me a really vague answer "I'm doing me, you do you and fix your stuff". So either he is just stringing me along in case his relationship that he is in now doesn't work, or he is being genuine. I just wish I knew because I know that I don't deserve to be an after thought but at the same time I want to be optimistic. I don't want to be naive and be played but I think that if we can work out our differences we hold a lot of potential. I wish I had some friends to talk about this too but they have heard our dramas way too many times, and a lot of the time I feel like some of them don't actually care about my well being. Advice would be great, but I know that I can't rely on other people.

which way to go?

Considering the fact that no one reads this it doesn't really matter what I write about. I find myself asking myself the same question day after day on an hourly basis: when is it time to let go and move on? When do you put your foot down and say it is enough? I have let this question hang in my mind way too long, years now. There is always going to be that one person that clings to your mind and wont leave your thoughts no matter how hard you try to hate them. For years I've struggled with following my heart or listening to voice of reason. After being left countlessly, cheated on, lead on, everything by one person,  I still love him. I wasn't perfect either I was scared to be hurt so when he gave his all I pulled away and gave him little attention and spoke to other people. This relationship was so flawed. Now he says he is happy with someone else, but he also gave me glimmers of hope that one day we will try again when I become a more dedicated person. Do I try and become a more sincere person and work on my trust issues with him and hope that we will try again, or do I move on? My voice of reason tells me I need to be strong and push through even if it hurts. The other part of me, the stronger part, tells me to hold on that he will come back and the next time will work because I realize how much I want to have him in my life. The worst part is that I see him practically everyday and I have to try and pretend that he doesn't mean the world to me, it makes me so angry. It makes me angry that someone is making the person I love happy, even if that sounds selfish. I am mad that he left me and I am mad that I didn't try my hardest to keep him happy. Im still presented with the same dilemma; to stay and wait or to go and not look back. Hopefully I will have some sort of epiphany soon and lean in a certain direction. Until then I will remain completely frazzled I guess...

just great.

So it has been an incredibly bad week, so I decided to go out to dinner with my friend. We took a taxi home and being the complete idiot I am I left my phone in the taxi... GREAT. I call it a million times and there is no answer. Finally I get a phone call at 4 in the morning saying that I can get my phone back if I give this girl a reward. I don't mind paying I just want my phone back. So this morning I am trying to call her to get it back and she won't answer. I'm so mad at myself right now I need to be more attentive. So not only is this girl holding my phone for ransom, she won't even answer. This is a horrible situation. I sincerely hope that next week is better. I would NEVER do that to anyone I would do all I could to make sure the person got back their phone this is so unfair. What a way to end a horrible week!

I am the most forgetful person you will ever meet. I am constantly losing my keys, my socks, everything you can imagine, I have lost. I guess my head is just always elsewhere and I have the hardest time focusing on one thing; this is something I need to work on. The worst part about being a forgetful person is sometimes losing sight of people and things that are most important to you. I do this a lot, I take for granted what I have until it is gone. I don't do this because I am a mean and a malicious person, I just forget how delicate relationships are. It is so easy to receive, but being able to give is always more important. My fear has always been that if you give and give and give and nothing works then you are left with nothing. I suppose that is true, but at least you will know you gave a 100%. Being scared and forgetful when it comes to people you love will leave you with the most regret. I would know.

Things I have learned

Writing a blog seems sort of presumptuous. Who am I to think that what I have to say is relevant, that someone actually cares to listen to my ideas. I thought about this a lot, then I realized that it doesn't matter because it is important to do things for yourself. What other people have to say or what they think shouldn't affect what you do and what makes you happy. I titled this blog, "Things I have learned", because even though I do stupid things I have acquired a fair amount of knowledge in these past few years.

1)Just because you are hurting doesn't mean the world has to hurt with you. Try not to burden other people with your problems or they will grow to resent you. Be open and honest but try your best to help yourself before seeking the help of others.

2) You can't make someone love you or want you. You can only make yourself a loveable person and hope for the best.

3) No matter how much you care some people will never care back.

4) Never hold back, give your all into everything you do.

5) You need to give love to receive love.



So maybe no one will read this, or maybe someone will and think it's stupid but I didn't write it for anyone else, I wrote it for myself and it feels good.