Still Confused

After what I have recently posted I realized that I live too much in regret, especially when it comes to relationships. I regret trying and forgiving when I should stand strong. I regret not trying harder when I could have. I can't change what I did and didn't do I can only better myself. Whether I better myself for the person I am hoping for or for someone I have not even met yet, at least I know what I need to work on.
Today I messaged him asking him if he was being honest about us trying again in the future, and he gave me a really vague answer "I'm doing me, you do you and fix your stuff". So either he is just stringing me along in case his relationship that he is in now doesn't work, or he is being genuine. I just wish I knew because I know that I don't deserve to be an after thought but at the same time I want to be optimistic. I don't want to be naive and be played but I think that if we can work out our differences we hold a lot of potential. I wish I had some friends to talk about this too but they have heard our dramas way too many times, and a lot of the time I feel like some of them don't actually care about my well being. Advice would be great, but I know that I can't rely on other people.

which way to go?

Considering the fact that no one reads this it doesn't really matter what I write about. I find myself asking myself the same question day after day on an hourly basis: when is it time to let go and move on? When do you put your foot down and say it is enough? I have let this question hang in my mind way too long, years now. There is always going to be that one person that clings to your mind and wont leave your thoughts no matter how hard you try to hate them. For years I've struggled with following my heart or listening to voice of reason. After being left countlessly, cheated on, lead on, everything by one person,  I still love him. I wasn't perfect either I was scared to be hurt so when he gave his all I pulled away and gave him little attention and spoke to other people. This relationship was so flawed. Now he says he is happy with someone else, but he also gave me glimmers of hope that one day we will try again when I become a more dedicated person. Do I try and become a more sincere person and work on my trust issues with him and hope that we will try again, or do I move on? My voice of reason tells me I need to be strong and push through even if it hurts. The other part of me, the stronger part, tells me to hold on that he will come back and the next time will work because I realize how much I want to have him in my life. The worst part is that I see him practically everyday and I have to try and pretend that he doesn't mean the world to me, it makes me so angry. It makes me angry that someone is making the person I love happy, even if that sounds selfish. I am mad that he left me and I am mad that I didn't try my hardest to keep him happy. Im still presented with the same dilemma; to stay and wait or to go and not look back. Hopefully I will have some sort of epiphany soon and lean in a certain direction. Until then I will remain completely frazzled I guess...

just great.

So it has been an incredibly bad week, so I decided to go out to dinner with my friend. We took a taxi home and being the complete idiot I am I left my phone in the taxi... GREAT. I call it a million times and there is no answer. Finally I get a phone call at 4 in the morning saying that I can get my phone back if I give this girl a reward. I don't mind paying I just want my phone back. So this morning I am trying to call her to get it back and she won't answer. I'm so mad at myself right now I need to be more attentive. So not only is this girl holding my phone for ransom, she won't even answer. This is a horrible situation. I sincerely hope that next week is better. I would NEVER do that to anyone I would do all I could to make sure the person got back their phone this is so unfair. What a way to end a horrible week!

I am the most forgetful person you will ever meet. I am constantly losing my keys, my socks, everything you can imagine, I have lost. I guess my head is just always elsewhere and I have the hardest time focusing on one thing; this is something I need to work on. The worst part about being a forgetful person is sometimes losing sight of people and things that are most important to you. I do this a lot, I take for granted what I have until it is gone. I don't do this because I am a mean and a malicious person, I just forget how delicate relationships are. It is so easy to receive, but being able to give is always more important. My fear has always been that if you give and give and give and nothing works then you are left with nothing. I suppose that is true, but at least you will know you gave a 100%. Being scared and forgetful when it comes to people you love will leave you with the most regret. I would know.

Things I have learned

Writing a blog seems sort of presumptuous. Who am I to think that what I have to say is relevant, that someone actually cares to listen to my ideas. I thought about this a lot, then I realized that it doesn't matter because it is important to do things for yourself. What other people have to say or what they think shouldn't affect what you do and what makes you happy. I titled this blog, "Things I have learned", because even though I do stupid things I have acquired a fair amount of knowledge in these past few years.

1)Just because you are hurting doesn't mean the world has to hurt with you. Try not to burden other people with your problems or they will grow to resent you. Be open and honest but try your best to help yourself before seeking the help of others.

2) You can't make someone love you or want you. You can only make yourself a loveable person and hope for the best.

3) No matter how much you care some people will never care back.

4) Never hold back, give your all into everything you do.

5) You need to give love to receive love.



So maybe no one will read this, or maybe someone will and think it's stupid but I didn't write it for anyone else, I wrote it for myself and it feels good.