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” I like people and I like them to like me, but I wear my heart where God put it, on the inside.”- F. Scott Fitzgerald

Spelling

Spelling

My daughter plays on the floor
with plastic letters,
red, blue & hard yellow,
learning how to spell,
spelling,
how to make spells.

I wonder how many women
denied themselves daughters,
closed themselves in rooms,
drew the curtains
so they could mainline words.

A child is not a poem,
a poem is not a child.
there is no either/or.
However.

I return to the story
of the woman caught in the war
& in labour, her thighs tied
together by the enemy
so she could not give birth.

Ancestress: the burning witch,
her mouth covered by leather
to strangle words.

A word after a word
after a word is power.

At the point where language falls away
from the hot bones, at the point
where the rock breaks open and darkness
flows out of it like blood, at
the melting point of granite
when the bones know
they are hollow & the word
splits & doubles & speaks
the truth & the body
itself becomes a mouth.

This is a metaphor.

How do you learn to spell?
Blood, sky & the sun,
your own name first,
your first naming, your first name,
your first word. 

Margaret Atwood

Blackened

On the edge of the sea
so deep and blue
Like everything and nothing
like your words and how I read them
Like your wandering eyes,
away from me that is,
until I'm adorned
Adorned in extravagance
then I'm "beautiful"
I found you in the darkness
and that's where we stayed
Stuck in the shadows of after midnight,
tangled up in each other not wanting to let go
Or so it felt
The soft light of morning touched my skin
and now I'm toxic
So until the sun sets again...

space

Like the sky,
or my bed
Space between
you and me
Sometimes so close
and touching
Sometimes I
do not know
where you are
Press yourself against me
and stay,
finally stay.

burned

What a peculiar thing
it is to feel
To brush up against
shards of stuff that
hurts much more than
glass
Then sanded off
by warm silk
Smoothed in all
the right places
What a peculiar thing
it is to feel
a burn that is cold
Smoldering on inside
with only one extinguisher
Why are my hands
always in the fire.

true

Never judge a day by the weather

The best things in life aren't things

Tell the truth - there's less to remember

Speak softly and wear a loud shirt

Goals are deceptive - the unaimed arrow never misses

He who dies with the most toys - still dies

Age is relative - when you're over the hill, you pick up speed

There are two ways to be rich - make more or desire less

Beauty is internal - looks mean nothing

No Rain - No Rainbows

Kimos Hawaiian rules

let it go - the

let it go - the
smashed word broken
open vow or
the oath cracked length
wise - let it go it
was sworn to
go

let them go - the
truthful liars and
the false fair friends
and the boths and
neithers - you must let them go they
were born
to go

let all go - the
big small middling
tall bigger really
the biggest and all
things - let all go
dear

so comes love



e. e cummings

oh my

Drinking never ends well. I always end up being " that girl". I try to live my life with poise and purpose and then for some reason when I drink I become so sloppy. The worst part is if I'm not doing something that will make me feel awful in the morning I am doing something to make someone else feel awful. Which ultimately results in me feeling like I do right now; ashamed. Throwing yourself at someone is bad but how about when you do it to someone who has been in love with you for years and now the next day you have to tell them that you only did it in your drunken state for a joke. I'm actually a terrible person. I can't even face him, I've been hiding out ignoring my phone for way too long now. My main issue here is that I hate hurting people's feelings and I feel like as long as I remain inactive about the situation I'm safe. I've created a weird love triangle here. For I have feelings for one person who is distant doesn't want a relationship yet I sleep with him ( trust me I know how wrong this is). Then there is boy number two who I get along way better with but I just can't see him that way. We go out on "dates" and I talk to him everyday. Yet I sleep and have feelings with boy number. Boy number 1 wouldn't ome to the party the other day so I drowned myself in alcohol and threw myself at number 2. I have big big issues. Now I have to fix this, but I don't know what I want at all. Maybe my drunken self is trying to tell me something... as weird as that sounds. Oh god I really don't know what to do. What i should do is tell number 2 that i acknowledge what I did and I'm sorry and I hope we can move past that I that I won't send mixed messages anymore ever and maybe we can take some space. I should tell number 1 to take a walk because if you won't make time for me in the daylight you sure as hell can't have me at 2:30 am. Or at least I should do one of those things... How come it is so easy to come up with a plan but the execution is excruciating? I wish I could say that to number one and he would make some sort of romantic gesture and finally get it but then again I don't live in a romantic comedy. I'm very dramatic on mondays, probably because I find myself in awkward situations a lot. Blah

no name

a battle well fought
is a battle worth losing
for what we once thrived for
is what makes life worth living
you live for a person then what is your life?
a shadow of nothing or a roll of a dice?
a battle well fought
is a battle worth losing
for if you are my all
and my all has been given
I've lived for a person and tried as i might
love is a war, a struggle a fight
If a war has been summoned and we are now soldiers
my daffodil traded for diamonds and roses
innocence garbaged for vanity and sin
then here is my promise my aching surrender
I will walk to you adorned in white
only to hand you my flag, laceless and bright

h.

Partly Cloudy with a Chance of Showers

A sun is not a sun
if there is no rain
What makes a light be
bright without the dark
sorrows of nothingness
What is light for
me might be
dull for her...
What is a sun with no rain?

h.

DO MI RE

This is the truth
for I speak nothing
less
Respect is a circle,
square, triangle
Admits my mind
sings for you
but my song
is not loud
Tune is off, key is
not right
(will not turn)
Maybe you are not me?

h.

Shards

Careful
now she
can break
skin made
of glass
Glass will
shatter &
crack
But
hold her to
light with
delicate hands
and see
the colours
dance.

h.

Barriers and Obstacles

I break through
the bars that do
not hold me captive
There were never
chains or bolts
My body free to
fly yet so heavy
to soar
The weighted calmness
of being still has
robbed the independence
in my veins
But with one breath
I take back what was
mine and walk through
the gate that was never
closed.

h.

done.

Done with waiting and hoping. Because ultimately I am not even sure what I'm waiting and hoping for. Once I have it would I still want it? Or would I all of a sudden see everything negative that I refused to see before? I play the what if game too much and maybe that is why I can never let go of things that have run their course. Sometimes I see that I am too much of a people pleaser and I hate letting people down, but at the end of the day you need to please yourself no matter what, especially when that person won't commit to you anyway.

I'm done.

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

E. E. Cummings

Too Close and too Far

I can officially say I'm over mind games and playing hard to get. I can say that with confidence with my head held high and mean it. Why should I toy with someone's head to make myself seem more desirable. If it is mean to work out, should i not facilitate is rather than push it away? I can say this and mean it, yet when it gets down to it I am guilty of doing just that. I am guilty of playing mind game, but what I am even more guilty of is letting myself fall for pointless crap. You want someone, they want you, should be simple right? No, Never. Why is that? Why are feelings never clear until the person is half way out the door? Why even then do we take what we have for granted? Why is one person always more attached than the other? It took me years, but I finally let go of someone who was weighing me down. I cut all ties and restored my self confidence and breezed through boyfriends never feeling hurt, and always feeling wanted. Until I met this boy a few months ago. Being my new usual self I never expected anything from it I saw it as a joke and someone else to get a little attention from ( to be honest). Basically the initial thing he let me know about himself was that a girl had hurt him and he did not want a relationship. That was fine with me I didn't want one either. Why would I all boys are the same right? As time went on he treated me like a boy would that he was trying to be with emotionally and I tried my hardest to laugh it off to pull away but I got to a point where I couldn't ignore it anymore. We clicked and even though he wasn't perfect and nothing really made sense I fell for him. He told me I was amazing and didn't want to lose me but he still did not want a girlfriend at all.  He had never met a girl like me but he wasn't ready to commit to me. What does a girl do? I never expected to feel this way and he did tell me his intentions so I can't be mad. The empowered female in me wants to walk away with my head held high and my dignity intact but obviously that didn't happen. So I pull away a little and he comes closer and then I get closer and he pulls away and I don't know if there will ever be a happy middle. I wish I could let go now and move on because the longer i let this uncertainty happen the more ridiculous i look along with becoming increasingly hurt. Being the dreamer that I am I can't seem to push forward because what if what I want is around the corner. Everything feels so close, but just a little out of reach. Hmmmm...

Growing up? No Thank-you!

As we get older there are many social norms that are thrusted upon us. There is a society-imposed biological clock that begins to tick at 20. Graduate, get married, have babies, game-over. Seeing as I'm in my early 20s, people say "oh, you're so young, you have so much time to have fun and enjoy", but in reality I feel as though time is of the essence. I am still constantly dating the wrong people and telling myself that I can start bringing up my grades next semester. Your twenties is supposed to be filled with good-times and life-long memories, but realistically speaking if you fuck them up you're in trouble. I still have yet to meet a boy who doesn't view sex as a conquest nor have I completely narrowed down my career path. In the past going to university guaranteed you a good job and a stable life, now university could be just as useless as not going. The program I want to apply after my BA requires not only amazing grades it also requires absurd amounts of volunteering, experience in the field, being a well-rounded person, and of course not to mention being able to stand out among thousands of other people who want it just as badly as I do. Stress washes over as I realize that every academic movie I make from here on end can potentially sabotages my entire future, THE REST OF MY LIFE. Along with having my life figured out I am also supposed to "date the right people" so that I can prepare myself for the stage in my life where I am supposed to close myself off to every man in the universe except for one. This is all fine and dandy but if I am trying to compete against thousands of other candidates for a spot in this specific program, thus studying a shit load, how do I keep myself from turning into a social pariah? There is no answer here. I don't exactly agree with the whole "trying to find a life companion thing", but after living in the society that I do getting married in your late twenties or MAX early thirties is the only acceptable norm.  If this doesn't happen not only will my family be severely disappointed, I will too , in a weird twisted way. If I am working my ass off to finish school and obtain a fancy degree in a fancy program, what is the point if I can't share that with someone. After all our one and only sole purpose on this planet is to procreate. The worst part is, as a young adult I have become accustomed to coming off as completely put together, so has the rest of my generation. Therefore we are all walking around like we have out shit together, because one HAS to have picked a major and have plans for the future by the time they reach this age. This puts stress on themselves and on other people who are lying and embellishing the truth about the same things because they think everyone else is so established. This is a vicious circle. I know I am not the only one confused and terrified that adulthood is around he corner, but I can't express these fears because everyone is so good at hiding their own concerns.